Working with Birth Families as a Foster Parent

As told to Nicole Purcell 

June is famously known as Pride Month, but did you know that June is also National Reunification Month? National Reunification Month is a time to recognize the people and efforts around the country that help families stay together. It is also a time to celebrate the families who have overcome obstacles to providing a safe and loving home for their children, and are able to reunify after their child was placed in the child welfare system. 

Reunifying a child with their parents is not simple. It takes hard work and dedication from biological parents, social workers, lawyers, therapists, other family members and, last but certainly not least, foster parents, who can play an integral role is supporting reunification. Our foster parents do an especially commendable job at supporting reunifying youth in foster care with their biological parents whenever possible. 

In today’s post, we’ll hear from one our foster parents who we consider to be a reunification superstar: Audanette! Audanette has been a foster parent since 2011 and has fostered 33 youth, from ages 5 to 19, including groups of siblings. In that time, Audanette has been an outstanding support not only for the children she’s fostered but for their biological parents. 

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Audanette

I was scared of birth family in the beginning. I had heard some negative stories, and I’d had some uncomfortable moments in the past with birth family. So at first, I focused on giving children love, good food and a nice home. But then I started to see that this was not enough. As a foster parent, I believe it is important to look at the reasons behind the behaviors of my foster children. I would often see kids really struggle behaviorally and emotionally after coming back from visits with their parents. They would struggle to readjust to me. They would not sleep or eat well, they’d cry, they missed their parents. Coming back to my house reminded them that it was not their house, and I was a stranger. 

But foster parents can be a bridge for the both the children you’re caring for and for their birth parents. For example, recently I fostered a young man named David and I worked to develop a relationship with his mom. I started small: when I picked up David from visits with his mother, I would always encourage him to take his time saying goodbye to her, so she could get a little comfortable around me. Then, I started chatting with her after their visits. I wanted to show her that I’m treating her son well by treating her well too. We eventually developed a nice relationship, and David noticed.  

Foster parents can be a bridge for the both the children you’re caring for and for their birth parents.

One time he asked me, “Do you love my mom?”  

“Of course I love your mom,” I said. 

“Do you really love my mom?” 

“I love you, and so I love your mom, too.” 

“Are you sure you love my mom?” 

“Yes, David. I love your mom very much.” 

“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t know.” 

Right after this conversation, David started opening up more. Before, when he talked to his mom on the phone, he would speak very softly. But now, he talks loudly and openly with his mom on the phone when I’m around. It felt good to know that he trusts me, but I had to show him that he could.  

Respect between birth family and foster family is important. Birth parents are going to complain or think they could do better. But you do your best and just adjust when you can. Foster parents are sometimes perceived as the enemy by birth parents. But if parents can get to know you, you can change their mind. 

Respect between birth family and foster family is important. If we can form a relationship, we can work together to figure out why a child is acting out and where the problem comes from.

Once, I had a teenager who would always stay out late. She was a great girl but would never be home on time. So I called her grandfather and he came over to my house and talked with her about how we all worry about her when she stays out late. With him and I talking to her together, she heard us, and stopped staying out too late. 

For me, I just talk to the family and try to learn more about them. I sit down with them and ask how they parent, how their house is run and about their expectations for their children. If I can form a relationship with them, we can work together to figure out why a child is acting out and where the problem comes from. If a kid misbehaves every time he comes back to me after visiting their parents, the problem is probably that they miss their mom but they still have to come back to me. But if there’s a relationship between me and mom, it can be much better – like with David.  

When kids come to my home, they come with a lot of needs - they need someone to take care of them, somewhere to stay, basic needs like that. As foster parents, we take care of physical needs but also emotional needs. And a big part of a child’s emotional needs are around their relationship with their family.  

As foster parents, we work hard to try new things. Every child is different, and being away from your parents is traumatizing. So I’m trying to learn how to work for a better society and a better future for our children, and a big part of that is trying to have good relationships with birth parents. It’s not always possible to have a relationship with birth family, but it is always possible to try.