An Adoptive Family’s Unique Path to Getting to Know Each Other
Amy and Josh started working with CFCS about two years ago to adopt a child from foster care. They wanted to adopt someone who was older than newborn or toddler age, as they know there are many school-aged youth in foster care who need adoptive homes. They reviewed hundreds of profiles of children, but none felt right until they found Laura.
Josh and Amy.
“I constantly make the comparison – maybe it’s awkward – that it almost feels like online dating,” Amy said, laughing, about looking through profiles of youth waiting to be adopted. “It’s the only other part of life where you might look at a written profile of a person and ask, ‘do I think this would be a good fit for my family?’ I met Josh through online dating. And likewise with Laura, I was like, this is the best fit I’ve seen so far. I have no concerns.”
Amy and Josh were struck by how much they had in common with Laura, based on her written profile. When asked what stood out to her, Amy said, “She is a little bit of a perfectionist. She loves school. There was a comment in there that she sometimes gets in trouble because she’s a little too silly, and that is us in a nutshell! We value school very highly, and we’re both ridiculously silly almost constantly. It’s almost a problem!”
Amy and Josh were very excited to have found Laura, and looked forward to meeting her. The only thing that stood in their way was the statewide stay-at-home order that started right around the time they found Laura’s profile. So Amy and Josh embarked on a journey that very, very few adoptive parents have been on: they met their pre-adoptive daughter over video chat.
At the time of writing this, Amy and Josh have been talking to Laura using Zoom twice a week for about two months. During that time, they’ve watched Laura come out of her shell, or out from behind her hair, as the case may be. The three have yet to meet in person.
“I’ve explained it to my friends as, I feel like I’m the least attractive YouTube video star Laura’s ever watched,” Josh joked. “In a weird way, [our first meeting] was both more and less awkward than I think an in-person meeting would be. She was pretty shy – she’s come out of that now – but it was nice to have her take space as she needed to, turning away from the camera or hiding behind her hair. It allowed her to engage with us in her own way, in a way that I think us showing up in person wouldn’t allow.”
Meeting with Laura over Zoom, always seeing her in the little box on the screen, Amy and Josh have noticed how her comfort level with them has changed. “The first meeting, 80% of the time her therapist was onscreen and 20% was Laura,” Josh said. “But now, Laura is onscreen all the time, her hair sometimes pulled back in a bun. She types funny things to us, and holds up whatever she’s playing with to show us. We’ve learned to play games online – Tic Tac Toe, Would You Rather, Headbands.” Games have played a big part in pushing Amy, Josh and Laura’s interactions forward during this time. Now, Laura will often initiate a game, instead of Amy and Josh needing to direct the meeting the whole time.
Amy and Josh view this remote method of meeting their pre-adoptive daughter in a mostly positive light. They say it’s allowed them to meet with her a lot more often – if they had to go into the office, they’d be working around stricter schedules – and it seems like the process of meeting remotely was more on par with Laura’s comfort level.
Being stuck at home, not able to see their pre-adoptive daughter in person, has begun to weigh on Amy and Josh; they’re ready to take the next step forward. They both admit that the transition from online to in-person interaction, and to Laura’s eventual moving in with them, looks challenging for all parties involved. But they don’t have any regrets: “I think the easing into it very slowly, especially for Laura, was actually better in many ways. In all ways, frankly,” Josh said.
As for how Laura feels about the situation, it’s not quite clear, but there are hints of progress. Amy describes Laura as an “internal processor” - she’s not very open about her feelings, and hasn’t explicitly stated that she’s excited to move in with Amy and Josh yet. But she has asked when the couple can come meet her in person, and she carries the welcome book they made for her everywhere, sharing it with anyone who will listen. “We have two cats,” Amy says, “and as she goes through the book and points them out, she says, ‘these are my cats.’ We're not her parents yet, this isn’t her home, but you bet those are her cats!”
If you’re interested in adoption or would just like to learn more, send us an email at familyservices@helpfamilies.org or call us at 617-876-4210 x4062.