Demystifying Adoption from Foster Care, Part 2

Adoption is something most people have likely heard of, and they may even feel like they have a sense of what it is. Perhaps the image that comes to mind is a loving married couple looking to build their family by raising a child and finding an adorable little baby they take home right from the hospital bed or shortly after. The larger public’s perceptions and ideas about adoption are often centered around private infant adoption. As an Adoption Social Worker, I’m here to give you an inside scoop on what adoption from foster care – also known as public adoption – really looks like, and the myths that surround it. 

Myth 3: Adoptees can only contact or learn about their birth parents after they turn 18 years old.  

 In order for a family to adopt a child in foster care, the child’s birth parents’ rights must be legally terminated by the state court. During this process, the court may make a determination about what amount of visitation between the child and their birth parent(s) is appropriate and legally required from the time of the adoption until the child is 18. Alternatively, adoptive parents and birth parents can come together to a create an Open Adoption Agreement to decide together what degree of contact is most beneficial for the child. Open adoptions entail the parents providing their adopted child with contact, knowledge of and involvement with their birth parents. Sometimes youth do not have contact with their birth parents following adoption, but the large majority of youth have a few visits a year and exchange letters and pictures. Adoptive families always have the discretion to facilitate an increased amount of contact outside of their legal agreement, as they deem appropriate. Adopted children may see their birth parents for a holiday celebration, a play date at the park or a supervised visit at an approved visitation site.  

Youth adopted from foster care are shown to do better when they can maintain appropriate and safe relationships with their birth parents and members of their extended birth family. Adoptive families are blended families; children have their adoptive family relatives, and they also have their birth family relatives. Adoptive families and birth families best serve the adopted child when they can come together and form positive relationships to allow the child to maintain important family connections. This is part of the role of an adoptive parent: to understand and respect that their child has multiple parents, and to expand their and their child’s concept of what families look like. How lucky adoptees are to have not just one, but two families!  

Myth 4: All a child needs is love and safety. A child should be grateful to their parents for this.  

Adoption can be a complicated process, for youth and adoptive parents alike. Waiting children have experienced trauma and loss to differing degrees. It takes therapeutic, trauma-informed parenting and collaboration with providers, including social workers, medical professionals and therapists, to meet a child’s needs when they move into their pre-adoptive home.  

Youth in foster care do not ask to be adopted or to be separated from their birth parents permanently. Like other children, they are not in control of so many aspects of their life, including, to a large extent, who becomes their adoptive family. They often take a while to adjust to a new family and home environment, and to gain a sense of safety, trust and connection to their new parents. This can be hard and hurtful for adoptive parents to experience firsthand.  

Youth adopted from foster care are shown to do better when they can maintain appropriate and safe relationships with their birth parents and members of their extended birth family.

While every adoptive family has endless love and joy to offer when they welcome a child into their home, youth adopted from foster care typically have special developmental, emotional and/or behavioral needs. Adopting a child from foster care means parents will likely not have the same experience as those raising typically-developed biological children. Realistic expectations are important to maintaining a sustainable mindset when going through the adoption process. Social workers try to help families understand what is and isn’t practical to expect from a child who has experienced trauma, and we acknowledge this is difficult for many adoptive parents who hope to have an ideal parenting experience. But adopted children are not in need of saving, they are in need of healing. Healing can be hard work.  

Adopted youth have varying medical, developmental, educational, emotional and psychiatric needs that require intentional and consistent care to address over various stages of their lives, both as children and adults. Adoptive families often need support from therapists, special education services and parent coaching to learn to advocate for their child’s needs and to meet their child’s unique needs in a family setting. Youth who have experienced trauma often require more individualized support in different areas – sometimes at school, sometimes in learning to manage their emotions and deal with stress, sometimes in creating and maintaining healthy relationships. This can be a lot to navigate for everyone involved. Families will experience a wide range of stressors and challenges they may have never anticipated, or for which they were entirely unprepared. That’s what providers like CFCS are here for. 

Not all parents see themselves as fit to adopt through foster care, and that’s okay. We can’t say it’s going to be easy. Adoption is about unwavering commitment and overcoming obstacles in the name of love for a child, with help and guidance not only from friends and family, but also from professionals. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child. At the end of the day, we think it’s totally worth it.