Demystifying Adoption from Foster Care, Part 1
Adoption is something most people have likely heard of, and they may even feel like they have a sense of what it is. Perhaps the image that comes to mind is a loving married couple looking to build their family by raising a child and finding an adorable little baby they take home right from the hospital bed or shortly after. The larger public’s perceptions and ideas about adoption are often centered around private infant adoption. As an Adoption Social Worker, I’m here to give you an inside scoop on what adoption from foster care – also known as public adoption – really looks like, and the myths that surround it.
Myth 1: You can and should only adopt babies. Older children are “unadoptable.”
At CFCS and agencies like ours, we find adoptive families for children and teens who are in the custody of the MA Department of Children and Families and are living in foster care. This is different from adopting a baby shortly after they are born, as happens in private infant adoptions. While some children needing adoptive families are infants or toddlers, many are school-aged, pre-teens, teenagers or young adults. When a child first is removed from their birth parents’ care, efforts are made to reunify them with their parents. A child’s case goal changes to adoption after a year or more if these efforts are not successful, so adopting a newborn is not typical in public adoption. While many parents come into the adoption process hoping to adopt a young baby or toddler, they soon realize that many of the children waiting to be adopted are older than they expected.
At CFCS, we are firm in our belief that every child is adoptable. There is no age cap on when a child can be adopted. Adoption is a permanency option for any kid, as all kids need family, whether they are 3 or 13 years old.
While some youth in foster care may not yet be ready to live in a permanent family setting, they are still capable of learning the skills they need to build healthy relationships and be safe in a stable home in the future. Their participation in a family setting may look a bit different than the conventional ideology – perhaps they are not ready to step down from a residential or group care setting just yet, or they need a higher level of care for acute psychiatric needs and are not able to be in the home for a period of time while they receive needed treatment. Regardless of a child’s mental or physical health, they still need parents or family who will be there for them for the years to come. Children are meant to, and need to, be cared for by consistent adults.
Myth 2: When a child is adopted, their life starts over. There’s no looking back.
A common myth in adoption is that once youth are adopted, their past is forgotten and they can never speak with or see anyone from their birth homes, foster homes or old communities ever again. Because the youth we work with have been removed from their birth parents’ care for various reasons, some have spent a large portion of their lives living at home with their biological family and have developed multifaceted relationships, and meaningful memories and connections with their parents and siblings. When youth are adopted, these connections do not disappear or become irrelevant. Nearly all youth waiting to be adopted remain in contact and visit with their birth parent(s) while they remain in foster care. Those relationships remain important to them for the remainder of their lives, even after adoption. Because of this, in many cases the best adoptions are open adoptions, meaning children’s pre-existing connections to relatives, caregivers, teachers and other important people in their lives are maintained and respected.
When youth are adopted, connections to their birth family do not disappear or become irrelevant. Those relationships remain important to them for the remainder of their lives, even after adoption.
Prospective adoptive parents are provided full information about the child they are looking to adopt, so they can make an informed decision and understand everything about that child’s known history. There are no secrets in foster care adoption, but this practice also encourages permanency efforts on the adoptive parents’ part – it allows them to better understand their adopted child’s background and how they can help their child feel connected to these foundational relationships.
Minimizing the amount of loss adoptees have to experience is essential to their success. That being said, adoption in itself entails a lot of loss for youth. While being welcomed into an adoptive family is a wonderful thing, youth also have a lot of feelings about all the separation, transition and trauma they have experienced before achieving permanency. Adoptive parents will best support their child through understanding that these complex emotional experiences are a common and natural response.
Similarly, a youth’s love for their birth mother or father does not get replaced by their adoptive parents. Children have to learn to hold space for all of their parents, and the feelings that come with each. Adoptive parents have to learn to hold space for their adopted child to do this. If a child is seeking to learn more about, or build their connection with birth family, that does not mean they do not love or care for their adoptive family. This is part of their story and who they are. At CFCS, we honor and support that.