One Woman’s First Year as a Foster Parent

From the left: Deon’s mother, Deon and James

For many years, Deon worked as a nanny. Her specialty was caring for babies. She was good at it, and she worked for families who were willing to pay for the best nanny care around. This career helped provide a comfortable life for her, her husband James and their son, who is now grown up.

But recently, Deon had a realization. She saw a greater need for her love, care and skills in the field of foster parenting, where children don’t have the support and resources she saw in the wealthy homes she worked in. “I saw that there’s a greater need out here.”

“I was always afraid to try guacamole, until I realized it was just crushed avocados,” says Deon. “Once I shifted my perspective, I realized that I could do this. And there is a whole set of kids out there that need this love and care. My home is gonna be that home. This is where the need is.”

Deon recently finished her first year of foster parenting. She has fostered three children so far, all infant boys, two of whom have had intense medical needs. And when we say intense, we mean intense. We recently sat down with Deon and James to discuss their experience fostering one of the boys who recently reunited with his mom, Nate.

Nate is not an easy baby to care for. Due to his medical complications, he has appointments with doctors and specialists about three times a week. He also eats via a gastro-intestinal feeding tube, which is a whole job on its own to manage. But Deon was never deterred in the four months she cared for Nate. She managed her life with him by assembling a team she could work with, made of people from Nate’s world as well as her own. Deon knew she didn’t just need to give Nate a roof over his head – in order for him to be a successful, she needed to be an advocate for him, and his family.

When Deon was having communication issues with Nate’s doctor, she requested that his primary doctor change to someone she could work with better. The hospital obliged, and Deon ended up working with a wonderful doctor. She also took the time to get to know the insurance person at the hospital, who helped her find supplies for Nate at affordable prices that his insurance could cover.

Caring for Nate was intense, detailed work. “You can’t be too tired, too sloppy-handed, too short-cut to be with him because he’s going to be affected by that in the long run,” Deon says. To avoid burn-out and make sure Nate always had an attentive, alert caretaker, Deon relied on support from her husband James and her mother, who lives  the floor below them. They helped Deon with feeding and caring for Nate at home. As Deon says, “You need backup to have a kid. You have to have backup people.”

All this effort paid off – when Nate left Deon’s home, he was much stronger than when he came into her care. “When he came home at first, he would never ever cry,” says Deon, because in the first months of his life, which he spent in the hospital, if Nate cried someone wouldn’t necessarily respond. “He couldn’t relate to his needs,” Deon says. He wouldn’t make a sound if he was uncomfortable or hurt.

But after living for a little while with Deon and James, Nate learned to cry. Now he makes all the normal sounds babies make, both good and bad. “When I went to the hospital and would see this kid, I’d try to make him smile and he would never smile,” James says, describing the first few times he met Nate. “Now, he smiles and laughs all the time.”

Throughout the four months Deon cared for him, Nate wasn’t the only one making progress – Nate’s mom had been involved from the beginning, working with Deon to prepare for when she would reunify with Nate. When asked if she would be comfortable working with Nate’s mom, Deon quickly responded, “Of course! That’s my job. I can’t get him home if I can’t work with his mom!”

Deon provided Nate’s mom with the tools she needed to be successful. She made sure his mom was included in every appointment and every medical decision, even thinking about what color his mother might want Nate’s medical helmet to be. Deon also communicated with Nate’s mom about the importance of collaborating with her son’s medical team and being present for every appointment. In those moments, Deon was helping Nate’s mom the most – teaching her the care and advocacy skills she needed to be an effective parent for Nate.

Deon and Mom attended appointments together, reviewed the medical equipment orders and consulted about changes in feeding protocols. At one point, Deon pulled back and said to Nate’s mom, I’ve helped you this much, now it’s time for you to stand on your own two feet. That was a big help in the long run for everyone: Nate’s mom, Nate’s medical team and social workers, and most importantly, Nate himself.

Sometimes, new foster parents get overwhelmed with the idea of incorporating birth families into the everyday care of the children. Their schedules and hands are already full, and coordinating around another person’s schedule, personality and preferences can seem like a lot to manage. What happens if we disagree? What happens if they don’t show up for this important appointment? What happens if there are still safety concerns? With the support of her CFCS Case Manager, Deon was able to navigate these complex situations and keep the goal of Nate’s reunification with a safe, informed mother in mind. Knowing that Nate’s best interests always included having his mom in his life helped to keep Deon focused on the goal of supporting Nate’s mom, so she could provide the life for her son that both mom and Deon want for him.

Reunification can be really hard. There can be reluctance from both foster and biological families, personality differences, misunderstandings and miscommunications, and it can feel completely overwhelming for everyone involved. But sometimes, as in Nate’s case, a child’s life literally hangs in the balance. Deon, recognizing this, decided to do the hard but necessary thing in her relationship with Nate’s mom: she decided to be honest with her. Without this honesty, Nate’s mom might have been completely unprepared to care for her son.

Our entire Intensive Foster Care team is impressed with how Deon played her part in Nate’s reunification, especially when she hadn’t even finished her first year of foster parenting yet! We are proud to work with foster parents who approach this work with professionalism and organization. It was Deon’s professionalism throughout this process that made her so successful in fostering Nate – she was dedicated, sensitive and did what she saw needed to be done. And we think it’s fair to say that by the end of her first year of foster parenting, she had achieved her original goal of making a real difference in the world of a kid who needed a loving home!

Nate’s reunification with his mother is now being supported by our Family Support & Stabilization program. Through our FSS program, Nate’s mom receives support from the same worker who worked with Deon and Nate, providing a level of continuity that allows for seamless care transition. We are so glad we could help with this important transition, and eager to see how Nate will progress even more.